About That Time

My son was only three months old when I knew for certain that I had the baby bug again. Although for the IF (infertile), I’m not sure the baby bug is something that actually comes and goes at different stages in your life. I know in my case it sticks around permanently. It kicked into gear after my hubby and I were married for a year, it kicked into high gear when we started trying to get pregnant, and then it kicked into overdrive when we got our IF diagnosis. And its been in overdrive ever since. I figure the bug will finally dissipate when we get the 4 kiddos we have always dreamed of having. But God may have other plans, in which case I know He will help me overcome whatever little bit of bug might remain.

Justin and I have always wanted to have our kids close in age. I have a brother who is two years older than me and a sister who is two years younger. Two years has always seemed like the perfect spacing. As the eldest child in his family, Justin has a sister who is just 16 months younger than him.

Kendry is nearly 15 months old, so 9 months from now he will be 2.

9 months from now.

Are you following me?

And with no pregnancy or IVF or FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle in sight, I am struggling. Some people have told me it is good to wait, that it will let Kendry be the baby for a little longer. And yes, sometimes I look at Kendry and think he is too young to be a big brother. But then there are moments like this:

Kendry loves this see-saw. It has a seat right in the middle - the perfect solution for a solo rider. And riding it solo is all my kiddo knows at this point. He hops on and starts rocking excitedly, completely oblivious to the primary rule of see-sawing: its a lot more fun with someone on the other side. Every time Kendry climbs on this see-saw I imagine what it will be like when he has a little brother or sister to sit on the other side. I can hear them laughing together. I can see them trying to tip the other one off. I cannot wait for that day.

A few months back I found this quote on a few IF blogs:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."

This quote forced me to take a good look at how I am living my life. Am I finding the joy in each and every day? Am I making as many memories as I possibly can with my son, knowing that he won't be a baby much longer? Am I being the wife and mother God would have me to be?

I have always loved the saying "God is in control", but suddenly I felt hypocritical for ever saying this to someone. Yes, God is indeed in control. So why am I wasting so much time and energy trying to control and plan out my life? Let's face it, we will only have more kids if it is in God's will. And we will only have more kids when it is in God's will. I firmly believe God has more children in store for us, but in the meantime He wants me to enjoy my life to the full.

Since coming to this realization a few months ago, I know God has given me a new outlook. But as we creep closer to this so-called "two year goal" I find my Type A personality trying to control things again. As the quote says, I need to let go of the life I had planned. I had planned to have at least two children by the time I was 30. God obviously had a different plan. I had planned to have my kids only two years apart. Will that happen? I don't know.

I heard a saying once: "If you want to hear God laugh, just tell Him your plans." I'm sure some people find this cruel, as though God is simply toying with us. I, however, love this saying, even more so now that I'm a parent. I imagine Kendry as a teenager, telling me what he wants to do when he graduates high school, where he wants to attend college, where he wants to travel, what kind of job he wants to have. And suppose while he is telling me this I know all along that these dreams of his are only the tip of the iceberg - that he is actually going to attend Harvard and graduate at the top of his class, that he will travel the world, that he will marry the woman of his dreams.

Knowing that he was going to be blessed beyond his wildest dreams, and he didn't have the faintest idea, wouldn't you laugh with joy too? I am sure its the same with God. And being the planner that I am, I know God has probably had a few good chuckles at my expense.

So here I am again, God. I'm tempted to plan; but what I really need is to turn it all over to You. Please help us not to run ahead, but to rest in the knowledge that You have already laid it out for us to travel in Your time. And until the time is right, please keep our little snowflake safe and healthy. Amen.