Breaking Heart

This last weekend a fellow member of the infertility blogger community went into premature labor and gave birth to her daughter at just 22 weeks. A precious angel gone as quickly as she came.

This fellow blogger is someone I have never met, but would consider a friend just the same. She and her husband were blessed with a successful IVF cycle earlier this year. Just one month ago our community celebrated with her at the news they were having a baby girl. Today there are no words, only confusion and a horrible aching for my friend's loss.

When this friend first started blogging she posted this statement she had heard from another member of the IF community:

"What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

"Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known."

-author unknown-

I know from our own experience that God can take a struggle like infertility and use it to make you stronger as a person, stronger as a couple, and draw you closer to Him. But sometimes it feels like the struggle just keeps knocking you down.

One of my favorite Christian songs says "I am not skilled to understand what God has willed, what God has planned." But even amidst the truth of that statement, today I cannot help but ask God "why?" a lot.

Lord, I cannot make sense of this situation, but I know that You are still God. Please comfort my friends in their loss. Help them to cling to each other and to You.

Ten

1. I count myself blessed to have a husband who actually encourages me to buy new shoes. Tennis shoes, that is. But tennis shoes are to this jeans and t-shirt gal as Manolos are to my sister. Need I specify the sister to which I am referring? :) I love me some cute running shoes! Here are my new kicks, which will be leading me on my 1st half-marathon come October:

They even have a pink paisley design on the inside - how cute is that?!

P.S. - ASICS ROCK!

2. Am I the only one completely confused with today's fashion trends? Is it grunge? Is it maternity? Is it see-through? And its not just women's fashion either. One of the first observations Justin shared with me after his recent Seattle business trip: "Babe, all the men over there were wearing skinny jeans!" Which naturally leads me to visualize my hubby wearing skinny jeans. Hmmm.... nope, never gonna happen. But seriously, I'm ready to boycott clothes shopping for a few months until someone actually starts carrying some realistic clothing that doesn't scream "80's!" and that won't be out of style again by summer's end.

3. I love Disney movies, and I love quoting lines from movies; hence, a new touch to my weekly Ten blog is a "Name That Disney Movie" challenge. Here is the first (easy) one:

"...you have been called forth to the summit of Mt. Wannahockaloogie to join with us in the fraternal bonds of tankhood!"

Think you know the movie? Show me your true Disney knowledge - and its not fair to google it either.

4. Last week I had a dream that I was enjoying a delicious piece of hard candy (sugar addict that I am), and then I awoke to find that it most certainly was not candy, it was my infamous $$$ (insert "cha-ching!" sound effect here) mouth guard! Can you imagine if I had swallowed it? Yeah, let's not go there. I've either got to start wearing this thing regularly enough at night that I stop "eating" it or hiding it beneath the covers in my sleep (is my subconcious trying to tell me something?), or I need to nix the guard altogether before I choke on it in my sleep. Think I could sell it on craigslist and make a couple bucks back?

5. OH. MY. GOSH. This just in: Brad Paisley will be in concert (w/ Darius Rucker, aka "Hootie", and others) in Spokane on September 9th. I suppose I need to update my Age 30 Bucket List to include "see Brad in concert". Brad and I are on a first name basis you know.

6. We took Kendry to the beach on the Snake River this weekend.

A boy and the sand - its a beautiful thing.

After eating a few handfuls of sand, he braved the chilly waters and waded into the river with Daddy.

Mommy (with her new hairstyle) showing Kendry how to scoop water into his sand bucket. What is even more fun than sand? MUD!

7. White capri work pants + a rough & tough toddler = disaster. I never make it to work without a spot or stain on my outfit. Why do I even bother?

8. T minus 4 days until we leave for Alaska, and we embark on our first flight with a toddler in tow. I'm not too worried about the 1 hour hop to Seattle, but the 3.5 hour stretch from Seattle to Fairbanks could be interesting. Please, Lord, let us be patient, the flight not be full, the fellow travelers be understanding, and the kiddo be sleepy.

9. The sunrise in Fairbanks today was at 3:05 a.m. The sunset will be at 12:43 a.m. (tomorrow!) I can't wait to enjoy all that daylight!

10. Kendry did his first sign last night at dinner. I have been signing the basics like "more", "thank you", "please", "all done" and "drink" for some time. A few weeks ago he started clapping when I did the "more" sign to him, so I manipulated his hands to mimick my signing. Sure enough, last night I said and signed "more" and he mimicked me perfectly. I told you my kiddo was smart!

Bite Me!

So you have the usual teething side effects: runny nose, fever, excessive drooling, diarrhea, fussy kiddo, etc. But how come no one mentions the challenge that is the teeth themselves? Cuz at the end of the day the other ailments fall by the wayside and you have a kiddo with a mouthful of fairly sharp objects - more specifically, a kiddo who is still learning self-restraint.

Kendry has six teeth now, and I have at least that many tiny bite marks on my body. I know what you are thinking: “just discipline him when he bites” or “bite him right back”. Both valid suggestions. Thank you. But here is the thing, Kendry doesn’t simply outright bite out of anger or to get your attention; he appears to bite out of affection. And this is most evident by the fact that I have by far the most bite marks out of any of his victims. Oh I can really hear your judgmental thoughts now. "Biting out of affection?! Puh-lease, Jody! Just buck up and discipline your kid already before he becomes the neighborhood biter, or better yet, before he bites my kid."

But just hear me out. Kendry's vampire-like attacks happen when he playfully lays his head into my neck and shoulder and does a little spastic snuggle, usually putting his open mouth onto the curve of my shoulder and then -OUCH!- there it is. Although this hurts, it doesn’t come close to the thigh bite, where he runs up to me excitedly and buries his head into my legs, once again doing his sneaky little "snuggle and bite" move. And his latest this week: he moved in all precious-like, as if he was going to give me a big kiss, and then the little toot bit my lower lip! My lip was numb for the next half hour.

Yes, we do discipline him when he does this. He obviously needs to know that what he is doing hurts someone. And when he starts to do his "spastic snuggle" move, we sternly remind him "Don't bite". But I can't say that these tactics have proved all that successful just yet. And in the meantime, the kiddo keeps getting more teeth! It breaks my heart to think about using the tactic of biting him back to show him how it feels because I don't want to discourage the snuggling.

What is a parent to do? Suggestions? Advice? Anyone?

Ten

1. An early "Happy Father's Day" to the two greatest men in my life: my dad and my husband. We love you!

Me with my wonderful pops and beautiful sister one year ago:

Daddy & Kendry's 1st photo together:

2. Have I mentioned that I love how organized my family is? Next month we are having our first family reunion in years (woot woot!) and I have already received my complete reunion packet: a week-long itinerary of events and meals, our family meal card, the reunion t-shirt order form, and a schedule of the setup/cleanup assignments throughout the week. This all may sound a bit over the top to you, but I come from a family of nine kids, not to mention there will be sixteen grandchildren in attendance (ages 5 months in utero through 12 years). As you can imagine, getting all of us fed or transported to an event location are not small feats. Many thanks to my sisters and sister-in-law for all your planning efforts - you are girls after my own OCD heart!

3. And speaking of family, I'm getting another niece come October! My little sis just found out that she is having another little girl. As I am incredibly close with my sisters, it makes me nearly tear up knowing that my little niece Addysen will get to know the joys of sisterhood too. And do you know what else this means?! I don't have to worry about sending my 8 tubs of baby boy clothes all the way back up to Alaska. HOO -(wait for it)- RAY!

4.

Dear Pre-Pregnancy Belly:

Its been nearly two years since we last saw each other. Your replacement just isn't cutting it for me anymore. Please consider this letter an invitation to return someday soon.

Missing you, Jody

5. I love Athleta! I would purchase my entire summer wardrobe from them, if only I could afford it.

6. I love my hubby for being one of those great dads who stays home from work to tend to our sick kiddo. And I love him even more for dealing with two very yucky, dirty diapers while on sick kiddo duty. (Can you hear me snickering?)

7. Ever the procrastinator, my Father’s Day gift for my pops and Kendry’s gift for his daddy won’t be delivered until next week. Note to self: remember to do better next year.

8. As promised, here are more of the pics I took in my recent photo shoot with Kendry:

Always exploring...

"Anyone got a fishing pole I can borrow?"

Toesies!

Toddling:

I love the angle of this one:

My little farmer:

9. I may have discovered exactly how I was able to find a pair of adorable DKNY skinny jeans for a steal of a price at Ross: the darn things have a runaway zipper!! How embarrassing!

10. And last but not least, my kiddo's official 1 year photo. Getting Kendry to smile for a photo isn't difficult, but capturing his genuine smile, as seen here, doesn't happen too often. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this photo!

Presenting Kendry Knievel!

We have a Little Tykes climber in our back yard, sized just right for a young toddler. Even though there is a simple step in the back for Kendry to climb up – and he knows how to do just that – he insists on climbing up the slide instead. Or at least he attempts to climb up the slide. Usually he gets about halfway up and then slides right back down. This will go on for about a minute before he gets frustrated and starts whining for some help. And you’d better not try to guide him around to the back of the climber to the step either. No, sir. He is going up the slide or he isn’t going up at all. Any idea where he might get this stubbornness from?

Last night we spent some time in the yard, enjoying the much-delayed summer sunshine, and Kendry finally figured out how to climb up the slide all by himself. But for this kiddo there will be no conventional sliding back down.

May I remind you he just learned to walk a few weeks ago? This kiddo has no fear. Baby X-Games, here we come!

Sing a Song With Me

Don’t you just love kids’ music? For me it brings back some fun memories, like dancing around the living room with my sister (we weren’t more than 6 and 4 years of age), singing: “It ain’t gonna rain no more, no more. It ain’t gonna rain no more. How in the heck can I wash my neck if it ain’t gonna rain no more?” Did we think we were doing a rain dance? I have no idea.

And I especially loved the kids’ church music, like “Father Abraham” or “I’m in the Lord’s Army, YES, SIR!” Even now I can remember pretty much all of the words. Oh, to be able to retain information as I did as a child.

I wouldn’t consider myself a musical person, per se, but I certainly enjoy music, so I try to sing and play music to Kendry fairly often. When he was an infant (and we went through the tedious stage of having to rock/bounce him to sleep every time) I would hum “You Are My Sunshine” or “You’re My Honey-Bun”. When I wanted him to learn to clap I introduced “If You’re Happy and You Know It”, and of course we sing the ABC song. He especially loves “The Wheels On the Bus” because I do so many of the actions for him. I admit I am often tempted to actually honk my horn for “the horn on the bus goes beep beep beep” when we are in the car, but something tells me the other drivers around me might not receive that too well. And not that Kendry is old enough yet, but I can already envision him blushing in embarrassment and ducking his head down into his carseat, lest he be seen with such a bizarre mother.

A longtime fan of Veggie Tales, I bought Kendry the Veggie Tales Toddler Songs CD a few months back. Kendry really enjoys it and I love that it has songs about God and good family values.

Kendry also has a few CDs with traditional kids’ music on them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I really love these traditional songs. Now that I’m an adult it is intriguing to me to listen and ponder when and where the songs originated.

Last night we were playing these CDs for Kendry and the song “There’s a Hole in My Bucket, Dear Liza” came on. I have always gotten a kick out of this song, as slow as it is, but it annoyed Justin to no end. Have you ever really listened to that song before? As it played on, and on, and on, and on, only singing about a stupid bucket the whole time, I started laughing and couldn’t stop. Here is this old guy telling his wife there is a hole in his bucket, she keeps telling him how to fix it, and he keeps complaining to her that he can’t. If you are a wife you know exactly why I was laughing.

But I feel a little weird playing some of these songs for Kendry. Like “Go tell Aunt Rhodie her old grey goose is dead…” What the heck? And their version of “Its Raining, Its Pouring” doesn’t have the old man just bumping his head and unable to get up in the morning; no, in this version the old man actually dies. I mean, I am all for teaching my kid about the real world, but I don’t really think that includes singing about death in his toddler years.

This whole experience got me analyzing some songs from my own childhood. I can remember singing “Little Bunny Foo-Foo” in elementary school: “Little bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest…” Do you remember this one? Because the next lyrics are “…picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head!” Seriously, who lets little kids sing a song like this? I’m pretty certain a field mouse’s tiny neck doesn’t withstand a good “bopping” very well. (Did you just get a visual of that tragic field mouse?)

Of course, this never occurs to us when we are children, we just sing along, often oblivious to what we are actually singing about. So I have to wonder: having been exposed to such musical morbidity as a child, have I really turned out as normal as I like to think I am?

Ten

1. I (finally) finished reading Book 1 of the Twilight series; only 3 more to go.

2. We are SOO excited to see our Quincy family/friends this weekend, and to participate in the Dru Gimlin 3-on-3 Basketball Tournament!

3. (This news is a few days delayed.) We are practically giddy with relief! Mr. Rooter flushed our septic system (after it was pumped) last week and came back with a good report. He figures there was a small clog a little ways out from the tank, but after he flushed it everything was running properly again. Hooray for being able to flush our toilets again! Just kidding.... or am I? :) Thank you to everyone who prayed for us during this stressor!

4. One benefit of all this rain? Justin's roses (aka Grandpa Wayne's roses) have started to take off.

Not too shabby for early June, huh?

5. One downfall of all this rain? It has hindered our progress on finishing the exterior house painting (mainly the trim). Sorry, no before and after pics this week either - but we are getting closer.

6. The official end of the monumental era known as "Jody's 20's" is drawing near. Yesterday in the mail I received my notice from the Department of Licensing, stating that my license will expire in just over a month:

"Please be advised that your current driver's license will expire on the date you turn the whopping age of 30. Geez you're old! Now fill out this form (if you can still read it, old lady!) and pay us $25.00 for reminding you that you are definitely getting older.
P.S. - We won't make you update your photo so you can continue to feel somewhat better about yourself despite your age."

7. Kendry and I got out of the house on Saturday and made the most of the first beautiful day we had seen in a very long time. Of course, I had to get some photos of my cutie patootie.

We hung out at this location for awhile (I'll share more of these photos later), and then headed down to the river, where I was going to let Kendry get wet, sandy and dirty to his heart's content before we made for home. Unfortunately, half way to the river I remembered that I left chicken breasts cooking in the oven. I told you I shouldn't cook! Alas, the river photo adventure will have to wait - and the chicken was practically charcoal by the time I retrieved it from the oven.

8. The longer I am a parent the more I realize that grocery shopping with a toddler is deserving of a medal.

9. The hubby gets home from Seattle today! He has only been gone two days, but it always seems longer than it really is.

10. My "aha!" moment for the day: using baby powder in your hair. It really works! Who knew?!

Expect the Unexpected

If you have been following our blog, you know that over Memorial Day weekend we embarked on the adventure of painting the exterior of the house by ourselves. And I use “by ourselves” quite loosely since we were fortunate enough to have Justin’s sister and parents in town to help out. Thank you, thank you, thank you to my in-laws! Kendry loved the time with Grandma and Cousin Ava.

Our plan of attack for painting didn’t go quite as planned. The prep work we had anticipated doing on Friday evening took pretty much all of Saturday morning to accomplish instead; we didn’t even start the painting the body of the house until Sunday morning; Justin was attacked by a migraine halfway through painting the body of the house on Sunday and had to lay down for a few hours; and our attempts to finish up the trim on Monday were thwarted by fairly continuous ran all day long. Not to mention that my in-laws had to be on their way back home. But despite the odds, the body of the house is painted (w/ two coats)! The trim is still a work in progress, as are the foundation, stairs and carport, so I’m sure you understand why I will not be posting before and after pics just yet. You deserve the full effect. But let me say that the house is already looking a hundred times better, and we are very happy with our color choice.

Memorial Day afternoon found us with lots more trim to paint, the in-laws departed, our kiddo waking up from his afternoon nap, and still no sign of a break in the rain clouds. At that point we decided to take a much-needed break and get away from the house. Where is a family to go on a rainy holiday afternoon? Home Depot, of course! We purchased some new outside light fixtures, picked up a few more paint supplies, and optimistically selected some parsley and pumpkin starter plants (our gardening skills are a bit lacking, but we still try). Kendry even got to take his first ride in the orange Home Depot racecar shopping cart. While he doesn’t yet understand the concept of a steering wheel, he was notably more content cruising around in the “car” as we shopped. When we emerged from Home Depot the clouds were dispersing and the sun was shining through in all its beauty. Perhaps God used the rain to get us to spend some time as a family.

Then we enjoyed the rare occurrence of a sit-down meal as a family. We don’t really eat out much, especially with a very vocal and mobile kiddo in tow. But Kendry was very well-behaved while Justin and I shared a delicious plate-sized hamburger. As we left the restaurant and headed home, I had one of those incredibly peaceful and joyous moments where I thought “I absolutely love my life.” This realization rang true even more when we pulled up to our freshly painted house. Did I mention how much I love the color?

From that point on the details are a little sketchy. I unloaded Kendry from the car and took him inside while Justin headed down to the basement to put a few painting things away. A few minutes later I called down to Justin to please get the rest of the things from the car. His reply: “Well, we’ve got more important issues down here right now.” Gulp! “Its flooded.” Double gulp! I quickly grabbed my unattended kiddo and treaded fearfully down the stairs to the basement. Sure enough, water all over the floor. Justin is looking at me, I’m looking at him, we’re both standing in a giant pool of water, and Kendry is struggling to get out of my arms and walk around. What to do? The words “shopvac” and “pack-n-play” spring to mind. I drag the pack-n-play from upstairs, set it in a dry area (thank goodness there was one), and unload a now unhappy kiddo into it, where he promptly busts out the tears and cries. Then Justin and I start sucking up the water with our amazing shopvac and moving stuff out of the growing pool of water. Let me just say here that shopvacs are about the best invention since sliced bread. Ours paid for itself ten times over in this mishap.

Looking back now, I’m pretty proud of how quickly we reacted. And once we had a few minutes to survey the damage we realized we got pretty lucky. We caught the water before it reached more prized items like mattresses, furniture or keepsakes. And most of our stuff is elevated a few inches off the floor anyway, in anticipation of an event just as this. A few of my boxes of books that were on the concrete floor got soaked, but only a few books inside the boxes were actually wet, which leads me to believe the water hadn’t been going all that long.

We also got lucky in that while the water appeared to be backing up from our main basement drain, it was only musty smelling. At first we thought it was just rainwater since we have received so much rain over the last few weeks and had removed our rain gutters for painting. A further inspection, however, would not be so reassuring. With most of the water sucked up (at least 6-7 shopvac bucket’s full), I put Kendry to bed upstairs and flushed a toilet to see what would happen. Sure enough, more water. And more of a sinking feeling in my stomach. You see, we aren’t on city water/sewer; we have our own septic system. Enough said.

Not wanting to pay someone to come out on a holiday evening, we decided to stick it out until morning and just not use too much water in the meantime. Justin has gotten up during the night the last two nights to make sure the water isn’t seeping out again. Mr. Rooter came yesterday and couldn’t find a clog, but did recommend that we have the septic pumped in order to figure out why it isn’t draining properly. RotoRooter came today and pumped the septic. Now Mr. Rooter is supposed to come back this week and do another flush/pump to see if the drain field itself has a clog. Best case scenario: a drain clog is discovered and cleared up, and we’re out about $1,000. Worst case scenario: our drain field is no longer functioning properly and has to be re-built, and we’re out at least $5,000-$6,000, not to mention that we will have to re-do our yard and sprinkler system (more $) as a result of digging up our back yard. Right now we’re praying and awaiting the diagnosis.

My first thought: the money. We have a small emergency fund (thanks, Dave Ramsey) that will cover the best case scenario. It would hurt a little, but its doable. The worst case scenario, however, is another story.

My second thought: Justin’s yard. He has put hours and hours of hard work into his yard, flowers and landscaping. And we have put a fair chunk of change into the yard and getting our sprinkler system installed. And now we might have to dig a good portion of that up? Its heartbreaking to even consider.

My third thought: babies. You heard me right. It occurred to me this morning that if we have to shell out $5,000-$6,000 to fix the septic we are taking a giant step backward from our next chance at IVF and having Baby #2. This makes me want to cry. God has been revealing so much to me lately about enjoying each day for all that it holds and not constantly wondering when we will be able to expand our family. Lately I have felt more and more peace about truly leaving it in His hands. And then we get flooded, literally and figuratively.

Lord, please give me strength to keep trusting in You, even with something like our malfunctioning septic system. I know you can bring good out of any tough situation. Blessed be Your name.

What it Means to Be a Mother

I found this on J&K today and was so moved when I read it. Perhaps it is because Mother's Day falls in May, but over the last few weeks I have been pondering exactly what it means to be a mother. Carrying a child in your womb and giving birth to him/her is one thing; mothering day in and day out is another. No, it isn't easy, but it is rewarding in a way I never imagined.

Before I go to bed each night I sneak into Kendry's room and watch him sleep. In those quiet moments, as I watch my baby's chest move up and down with each breath, I am overcome that God has entrusted such a precious gift to our keeping.

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

God said, "Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the small child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking its life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

God said, You will simply call her, "Mom."