In Between

Followers be advised: This blog entry is going to be a bit deeper (and longer) than my usual entries. No photos of Kendry, no photos of our yard and foliage, no photos of my neurotic cleaning/organizing projects (like you would miss those anyway). Its just me and my thoughts. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Having experienced some interesting emotions over the last few weeks, I began conferring once more with my online friends in the reproductively challenged community, whom, I'm very ashamed to say, I have essentially avoided since becoming pregnant in late 2008. Ironically, the very reason I am currently reaching out to these fellow IF (code for "infertility") friends is the very same reason I began avoiding them a year and a half ago: I have become an "in-betweener". Before you start thinking I am so hip that I have formed my very own slang term to describe a generation - what the heck is a "tween" anyway? - allow me to clarify for you. I am in between in that I know the hardships of infertility, which means I have a kinship with members of the IF sisterhood; but I also know the joy of finally becoming a parent, which grants me admission to a club on the other end of the spectrum: parenthood.

To my non-IF friends, I have joined their ranks as a parent. We brag about our wonderful (and in my case brilliant) children and dissect the many facets of parenthood, and I realize some of them have probably forgotten (at least for the moment) that not too long ago I was an outsider with barely a slim hope of ever joining their exclusive club. Some of them really do forget, casually asking "So when do you think you'll have Baby #2?" And I smile politely. If only it were that easy. But the truth is in that atmosphere even I don't feel like I am an IF survivor. I feel just like the other parents around me. I feel normal. I feel like I could go home and tell Justin "Let's try to get pregnant again", and mere months later we would be announcing our pregnancy to these same friends.

To my IF friends, I am an ally, but I can also cause them pain. We are all going through the battle together; but along the way I managed to find a victory in fertility treatment. Others have as well. We all celebrate these victories together; but when the victory doesn't come to you, it hurts to be around those who have found it. You are happy for them, but you hurt just the same.

Does parenthood remove us from the IF sisterhood? Not quite. We are still infertile, and as long as we desire to have more children, we will continue to experience the pain and emotions of IF - perhaps now with a little guilt mixed in. God has blessed us with the very thing we desired, a child. So why aren't we content? Simply put, our hearts desire more than what biology has given us to work with.

I recently visited a blog called Stirrup Queens, where I learned about Infertility's Common Thread, a concept I now have referenced on the right side of our blog. The blogger's description of how this concept got started really hit home to me:

"...there should be a secret handshake for those who have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility. She was finally pregnant after multiple miscarriages and she wanted infertile women to know when looking at her pregnant belly that she was one of them still - in heart and mind..."

This is the sentiment I want to communicate to my IF friends. I may have been blessed with my miracle baby, but I am still one of you. I have been there. I am still there.

Right now I have at least 12 or 13 friends who are currently pregnant. I am so very happy for every one of them - one in particular as she is making me an auntie again! Some are having their first baby, others their third or fourth. And at this very moment I feel like an outsider among them again. Not because I am not currently pregnant, but because I don't know if/when I will be pregnant again.

One fellow blogger, now into her 2nd trimester after IVF, captured it so well:

"Hope becomes such an integral part of the IF journey, we try to protect ourselves against the worst possible scenarios while still balancing the hope that what we so desire could really happen."

God has blessed us above and beyond by giving us the miracle that is our beautiful son, and I thank Him every day for Kendry. But since my childhood I have known I wanted to have many children; I never saw myself with only one child. One day when I was feeling particularly down I simply cried out to God and asked Him why I had those dreams of so many children when He knew I was going to face IF. I heard a small voice reply "Child, who do you think placed that very dream in your heart?" And then I understood God gave me those dreams and desires for a purpose. So I do have hope. I firmly believe God will bless us with more children. When? I do not know. As Joyce Meyer says: God is never late, but He is rarely early either. He knows the exact moment we will be ready for what He has in store.

So is the emotion and confusion I am currently experiencing inappropriate? Is it wrong for me to claim that I have hope, but still express my frustration? God gave us emotions for a reason, but we have to be careful that our emotions do not control us. I would love to be pregnant again tomorrow, but until that opportunity comes I have to choose to still live every day to the fullest, appreciating every single moment. And I have to refuse to be a slave to the emotions of the IF rollercoaster, knowing that even during the "in between" God is working His bigger plan. May He be glorified through it all!

Give Me the Bear and No One Gets Hurt

Kendry has a really soft bear blankie he got from GG (aka my grandmother), which he absolutely loves. He even makes this distinct, excited humming sound at the very sight of it. We usually just give it to him when its time to go to sleep, or when he needs a little extra comforting. I often wonder if he loves it so much because we have presented it to him for comfort almost since his birth, or if its simply that precious to him, as if he knows who it came from. I am sure its the latter.

Having figured out how to cruise between pieces of furniture on his mission to learn how to walk, Kendry has now discovered that he can stand beside his crib and reach between the rails to retrieve his blankie whenever he wants, not just at bedtime nor naptime. Once he gets it through the rails he literally smothers it with love.

Thanks, GG! We love you, and your bear blankie!

TOF

1. Spring has sprung! And we've got the tulips to prove it.

2. My friend Jessica and I are having a yard sale at her house tomorrow. Talk about a lot of prep work. But I will be relieved to have all these needless items out of the house - and maybe make a penny or two in the process.

3. I am having so much fun getting things together for Kendry's 1st birthday party!

4. Ahhhh...my wonderful craft closet is organized at last, just in time for my projects for Kendry's birthday.

5. When I walk out the door at 5am to hit the gym I hear a rooster crow down the street: "Cockadoodledoo!" And when I leave the gym around 6:15am I hear another rooster crow: "Cockadoodledoo!" I may feel like its way too early to be out of bed, but this sound reassures me that its time to start the day. I love that I live in an area where I wake up to the sound of a rooster rather than traffic. That being said, I could probably live without the sick sounding donkey two houses down.

6. Its time to start brainstorming a Father's Day gift for Justin...

7. The day after Kendry was born I was surprised to find my jaw was incredibly tense and sore. It seems I failed to practice the relaxation techniques for labor and instead chose to clench my jaw the whole time. So for the last year I have suffered from painful TMJ. Having shared this with my dentist, he had me fitted for a night mouth guard last week - which, BTW, cost us $400 since our insurance doesn't cover it. Thank goodness for our HSA. Anyway, night one with the night guard: I managed to pull it out during the night and dreamed that I placed the quarter-sized contraption safely on my nightstand. Wrong. I actually buried it somewhere in the covers and, after a short panic attack, found it the next morning. Night two (last night): I managed to keep it in the entire night. Yeah me! Unfortunately, my jaw feels even more tense today. I may have gotten taken on this purchase.

8. Kendry is becoming my little helper around the house.

"What's that, Mommy? You need a tissue?"

"No, I am not turning on the annoying buzzer to scare you when the laundry cycle is done. Honest!"

9. It is supposed to near 80 degrees here today! We are certainly ready for warmer temperatures and sunshine, but 80 in April? It might be a bit early for my taste, and I'm certainly not ready to dig out my sunscreen yet.

10. Yesterday I discovered that Kendry is biting the railing of his crib. I know this is a common thing for kids to do, but come on! His crib is positively beautiful, only now it has beaver-like tooth marks around the edge. Grrr! I suppose some day down the road I will fondly point out the bite marks to him and reminisce about his baby days; but for now I'm simply choosing to be frustrated. Who knew babies and their teeth could be such a tumultuous stage?

Is "Moo" a Word?

Kendry has a neat musical toy that has a rhyme, a song and a sound for five different animals - a dog, a cow, a sheep, a mouse, and a monkey. As an adult, I especially get a kick out of the woman singing the songs. Really, who knew there was a soulful rendition of "Baa Baa Black Sheep"? Something tells me her musical career never made it farther than Fisher-Price.

I don't think we officially pinpointed Kendry's very first word; somewhere along the way he picked up "Mama" and "Dada". Not that its a competition, but I'm sure "Mama" was first. And now, thanks to the wonderful world of audio toys, we'll be adding "Moo" to his tiny vocabulary.

Chicks Dig a Man With Wheels

On Sunday night we assembled the Little Tykes Coupe we bought Kendry for Christmas. I feel like a slacker parent admitting it has taken us nearly four months to even get it out of the box, but its not like Kendry really would have used it before confidently getting his feet under him.

It may take a little time for him to figure out how to "drive" it, but he enjoyed turning the steering wheel and can push himself backwards.

Silly mommy thought it wouldn't be necessary to install the floor board attachment. Sure enough, Kendry slipped right out the bottom of the car - either that or he was demonstrating his early passion for auto mechanics. "Hand me a wrench, would ya?"